How Did You Rip Your Pants?

It's kind of a long story...

I was walking one day (with my pants on of course) in a garden. It was a really big garden. Then I realized it was a maze. I was trapped in this maze, and I walked around for hours and hours looking for a way out. I went around one corner and discovered a whole bunch of Englishman wearing monocles who were sitting in lawn chairs in a big courtyard eating caviar. "Hello, lad," they said, "would you like to try some caviar." And I said (since I'm not one for shying away from new things) "Okay." So I tried it, and it was TERRIBLE!!! I had to throw up, but everyone would see me and think I was a jerk for not liking the caviar. I had to get out of the maze, so I just started running through the hedges until i burst through the last row of hedges into a big forest.

It was a big forest, but I couldn't tell how big because there were so many trees in the way. On the first tree was carved an ominous warning: "Whomever reads this will be punished." I went ahead and corrected the grammar by changing the whomever to whoever because whom is an objective pronoun, but who is a subjective pronoun. Well anyway, I kept walking when suddenly I found a silver box. It was kind of tacky, but I decided to keep it because it was shiny.

After about an hour of walking, I found a road, and I hitched a ride with a bus full of secretaries who were on their way to the Secretary Convention. While we were stopped at a stop sign, a big group of thugs got on the bus and threw the bus driver out into a bigger crowd of thugs. (He was never heard from again) I threw my silver box at the lead thug, then jumped out one of the emergency exit windows into the crowd of thugs. Luckily, I was wearing my Dying Fetus shirt that I got when I went to one of their shows last month. All the thugs liked that I enjoy that band, so they let me crowd surf out of harms way.

The crowd set me down next to a graveyard. Night was falling, but I decided I had better go through it. The dead are walking the Earth!! Dozens of zombies started chasing me. Then I said to them, "You guys are so dumb! Feel how much this hurts." Then I bit a zombie as hard as I could. He was like: "Oww, that really does hurt! Okay, we'll let you go. But could you bring us some steaks." I agreed.

I was just about to bring the steaks back, when I found a lost puppy. He looked really hungry, and I decided to give them to him instead. A sad looking boy across the street called to me because it was his dog, and I was like: "Yeah come over here and get him." But when the boy stepped into the street, he was crushed by a horse-drawn carriage carrying a bunch of angry Englishmen looking for me because I had ruined their garden. I escaped from them by pretending to be a palace guard.

The boy was in the hospital, and I felt really bad because it was my fault that he was there. So I decided to hold a benefit concert for him. I was playing this huge song in front of thousands of screaming fans, and then it became a guitar solo. I was rocking out so hard. There were laser light shows and pyrotechnics and fog machines, but I didn't notice any of that. I was jamming too hard. People's faces were literally melting off. And then at the height of my solo, I slid across the stage and ripped my pants. I guess I was punished after all.